Stop Being So Damn Hard On Yourself
Learn to step back from the noise and give yourself a break.
It won’t come as a surprise to anyone when I say that we’re typically our harshest critics. When we mess up, fail or find ourselves in an uncomfortable situation, we think there’s something wrong with us as a person. The cause of the screw up is something intrinsically flawed deep inside and that we just don’t have what it takes to make it.
In times like these we heap shame on our shoulders, isolate ourselves from others and get caught up in negative thinking patterns that erode our sense of self. As a result our confidence plummets, and our only desire is to head for the nearest exit and hope that nobody sees us running for our lives.
We focus on what we did wrong, on what we lack, and our flawed perception of our skills and abilities. Things like, “How could I have been so stupid?” and “If only I was smarter, faster, prettier, stronger etc.” dance in circles through our head. This can go on for hours, days, weeks and even longer. When we know this type of critical judgement is what’s waiting for us when we do fail, it’s not a surprise that we end up afraid to even try.
What’s going on is that we don’t really fear failure or a big mistake, but instead we’re terrified of the brutal self-flagellation and shaming that we know is waiting for us. Challenging critical self-talk, developing the skills to negotiate through setbacks and building our own resilience in the face of adversity are crucial to turn these types of situations into valuable learning moments, but how do we do it?
Quite simply — we do it mindfully, intentionally, and with an eye to treating ourselves a healthy dose of self-compassion. When you’re overwhelmed with critical self-talk in the face of a set back, there’s a way to step back from the noise and to stop being so hard on yourself.
- Recognize what’s going on
Maybe you just got feedback on a big proposal and your boss flat out said your work didn’t meet expectations, despite hours of time spent researching and crafting your pitch. Of course your natural reaction is to get defensive, maybe to lash out, and look for something, anything outside of yourself to blame.
When this fails your thoughts turn to yourself and the myriad of reasons why you’re a screw up, and you think this could cost you your job. Next you’re likely painting a catastrophic picture of your life where your friends and family have abandoned you, you’re living off food stamps, and are unable to afford the rent. The fear and the panic is real.
It’s at this point you need to stop, take three deep breaths, and focus on what’s really going on in the present moment. You’ve received negative feedback about a project that you put a lot of time, energy and attention into. The work you produced isn’t what was expected. You need to talk more with your boss to understand why the proposal fell short. You’re feeling hurt but this isn’t a reflection of you as a person. The thoughts you’re having aren’t your reality, they’re just thoughts.
2. Allow the experience to just be there
This is the hard part. We’re all programmed to run as fast as we can from discomfort, pain and fear. You likely want to react quickly to save face and avoid the desolate feelings that you know are coming. Instead you need to sit and do the opposite.
Stay in the present moment and acknowledge the situation for what it is. The work that you’ve produced isn’t great. This doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person and should be ashamed. While this is an uncomfortable experience and your feelings are painful, the best thing you can do right now is to just allow them to be. Avoiding them now only means that they’ll come back to hang out with you later.
3. Investigate with kindness
Kindness and the practice of self-compassion can go a very long way towards building resilience in the face of difficulty. First of all acknowledge that your current situation and experience is not unique to just you — there are likely tens if not hundreds of thousands of other people experiencing the same thing right now. Our shared common humanity and the knowledge that you’re not alone lay the groundwork for further investigation of your thoughts and critical self-blame.
This can be tricky, but allow your thoughts and feelings to come and go without judgment. Instead of looking to get rid of unwanted thoughts, approach them with curiosity and ask where they’re coming from. Are you feeling insecure in other areas of your life that are maybe informing your reaction? Do you have some other stressor in your life that already has you feeling defensive and on edge? Kindly acknowledge these facts and take a few more deep breaths. Ask yourself what you need in this situation and make space for it.
4. Develop natural awareness by not identifying with the experience
Experiences and the thoughts that accompany them are part of life, but they’re not who you are. By choosing to not identify yourself and base your intrinsic value as a person with the events and experiences that life brings your way, you move towards a natural sense of awareness.
Awareness of what you might ask? The knowledge and understanding that what you’re experiencing is an event and that your life is made up by a bunch of these all patched together. Events may bring feelings of sadness, melancholy, anger or rage with them, but you are not these thoughts. The value that you assign to these feelings doesn’t define your value. Just because you feel angry, it doesn’t mean that you are an angry person. This is a subtle nuance but crucial to understand so you can more kindly work with your thoughts and feelings in challenging situations.
With practice, you can move away from critical self-blame as your first response when you’re faced with failure or a mistake. Taking a mindful approach to focus on the event itself, rather than what you think is wrong with you, gives you the space necessary to sit with your feelings. This can be painful and downright scary when you’re in the moment, but if you treat yourself with kindness, and cut yourself some slack, you’ll find yourself better able to live through and learn from life’s events.
