Talking About Consent With My Five Year Old
It’s never too early to start the conversation, and here’s how to make it a bit easier.
My son has been in childcare since he was 10 months old, and as soon as he could talk and comprehend us we had conversations about “good” touching and “bad” touching. It was important for us to give him the words along with actions with the hope that he’d be able to communicate if something was ever wrong.
As he’s grown up we’ve continued to have talks about touching, healthy boundaries and asking for permission before going in for a hug. I’ve also done my best to make sure that he doesn’t ever think that he must hug or kiss a relative if he doesn’t want to, but with over-enthusiastic grandparents this can be a lot easier said than done.
But I try.
By nature my son is very affectionate and loves to give hugs and kisses to friends and family. He’s typically very gentle and his intentions are pure; for him physical touch is how he shows that he loves and cares for others. This is one of the things I appreciate the most about him — that he’s not afraid to love fearlessly and express his emotions.
While I laud him for this he also needs to understand that despite what his intentions are, not everyone wants to be touched. Each of us has control over our bodies and we have the first and last word on what we’re comfortable with.
It’s especially important that he as a privileged white male growing up in Canada understand this — he doesn’t get to decide what is and isn’t appropriate despite what cultural norms might suggest.
After picking my son up from kindergarten this week, it became really apparent that we needed to have a deeper conversation about consent and personal boundaries.
Before leaving with me he ran up to two of his female friends to give them what he called “giant smooches” on their cheeks. One of the girls looked uncomfortable and wiped off what I can only assume was a mix of saliva and cracker crumbs. The other shrugged and went back to her coloring, and I immediately started to think about what I was going to say to my son.
Respect Goes A Long Way
So how do you have a conversation with a five year old about consent? My son is still at an age where hugs and kisses, rainbows and babies, and unicorns and dragons make his world go around. He has a hard time understanding that not everyone sees the world this way.
To start, we talked about how he loves to give hugs and kisses, and that this is a good thing — a great thing in fact. It’s been one of my goals as a parent to empower my son to feel and share his emotions.
I then asked him if he thinks everyone likes to get hugs and kisses, and his answer was “no”. Trying to approach this logically (which is a total fool’s errand with a preschooler), we then talked about how sometimes people like to get hugs and kisses and sometimes they don’t. This is okay and it doesn’t mean they don’t like you.
What is most important in any situation where you want to hug, kiss or touch someone to show that you care is that you have their permission. You need to ask them first. If they say “no”, that doesn’t mean you do it anyway. Respect their wishes. Respect is one way we can show kindness towards others.
Getting kids to understand the concept of respect isn’t easy, but framing it in language they relate to makes it easier. We talked more about kindness and how doing something that might make another person uncomfortable isn’t kind. With this shift in language it was like the lights went on and he understood what I was getting at.
Empathy Is The Key
Around the age of five, kids are able to understand their emotions and connect them to the feelings of others. It’s the time when you can have conversations with your child about how he or she might feel in a certain situation. It’s also at this age that you can start to model and teach empathy in everyday situations and it will (hopefully!) start to stick.
With that in mind, I asked my son what he would think if a friend came and gave him a hug when he was feeling really grumpy and just wanted to be alone. He told me that he wouldn’t like it very much and it would make him angry.
From there we talked more about understanding the feelings of other people and how important it is to check with them first before taking action. While it might seem like a good idea to hug someone who is upset, if they don’t want that hug, you’re not helping and will probably make them feel worse.
I also explained that people have different reasons for not wanting to be touched and rather than trying to make sense of it, we talked more about the importance of respecting other’s boundaries. We don’t need to understand “why”, we just need to know that “no” means “no”, regardless of what our intentions may be.
Asking my son how he feels when a friend or classmate does something he doesn’t want done to him — like tickling, play fighting or yelling — and making that connection to the feelings of others registered with him. It really comes down to asking a simple, “think about how you’d feel if…” to open the door to a deeper conversation.
Respect and empathy are two very powerful tools, and when used consistently can go a long way towards helping teach your kids the social skills they need to thrive. They make the consent conversation easier to have and understand, even for a five year old.
Regardless of age, what matters most is that you have this conversation early and often. You won’t get it right the first time or even the thirtieth, but kids need to know that boundaries and consent are important, personal and to be respected at all times.
